Is This Really Goodbye?

I can't believe it. Tomorrow is our very last day of attending a Buckley class. At first, when I thought of the end, it was as if I couldn't wait. Time was slow and I thought to myself: "GOD! I JUST WANT TO LEAVE ALREADY!" But now I look back and realize how wrong I have been from the get go. I'm going to miss this place like crazy. Yes, I have had my bad memories from Buckley, but they have been the building blocks to my own self-acceptance. It is unimaginable, not walking onto the Buckley campus in late August, ready to start a fresh new year as a high school student... almost surreal.

In my first few years at Buckley, I was a misfit. I didn't have many friends and I didn't like it very much. However, this year has definitely been the most emotional and eye-opening of all. I realized how much and how deeply I love everyone in my grade and how special we all are in our own ways. Though we have had our differences, saying goodbye is going to be tough. I won't see the same faces everyday... I won't hang out in the same spots, and I surely won't be laughing with the same people...

What an adventure it has been, spending 10 years at Buckley. I don't regret any of it. My experiences have been beautiful, stressful, and irreplaceable. So finally, I say goodbye to Buckley and goodbye to my grade. Thank you for an unforgettable 10 years. :)

<3 you guys FOREVER.

College Catalog Assignment Reflection

Through this project, I realized how hard it is to be on your own for once. We are all so used to Buckley holding our hands and making sure that we are taking the right classes that we began to lose our independence. Finding my own classes and ensuring my future was the most stressful thing I have ever had to do. Even though I am only at the beginning stages of the rest of my life, this really reflected the struggles I will have in decision-making and effort in the years to come. College is just another stepping stone for all of us to achieve success, but it is also the most important and helpful experience for our adulthood. I cannot imagine how much of a challenge it is going to be to stand up on my own two feet and take responsibility for my own education and decisions, but I am 100% sure that it is going to be an amazing journey of self-discovery. :)

Disappearances...

Note: This is my reflection on my grandpa and how his death affected me. Since graduation is so near, there has been a rush of memories that have come back to me in these past few days. Through this I realized how important it is to appreciate each person and each moment in your life. I wish my grandpa was here to see my graduation, he would be so happy. But I know he will always be with me now, closer than ever before. :)

Today, as the morning gleamed through my kitchen windows, I stood in emptiness. From 7 family members, we’ve come down to 6, and everything has changed. I miss my Grandpa. I remember his sweet nicknames, his adorable toothless smile that greeted me each afternoon I walked through my house door after a tiring school day. He would peek from his small room and grin. He was just happy. Happy that I was his granddaughter, happy to see me, happy to be so close to his family. I was so tired, so frustrated that I would roll my eyes and storm up to my room to have some much awaited alone time. It’s all different now. The hustle bustle of this once lively house has died along with the one man that would spend all his time in one room. How strange, how ironic. Slowly the busy mornings and loud conversations have ceased. And all that has remained is me, standing in an empty kitchen with 3 half-full cups of tea on a black granite counter.
It’s not just Ajoba’s loss that has turned this house into darkness. It’s Aaji’s stroke. Even the most annoying aspects of this house have vanished; it adds to the silence. I recall my friend’s words when she experienced a typical morning in my house one day in the past. “Wow! This is so fun, you come downstairs and everyone’s home!” I responded with a smirk and a flick of the eyebrow. Taking everything for granted was my forte.
No more prayer bells ringing as the sunlight spills into my room, no more music from Indian soap operas, and no more enthusiastic grandparents asking if I am hungry. I miss it now, but why couldn’t I appreciate it then? When it was worth remembering, when it was worth absorbing? I let it all slip right off the surface when it was time to hold on. I will never forgive myself for that.
I don’t talk about it much but I miss my grandpa. No one again will ever call me by that endearing nickname. I miss the love he showered on my brother and me, it was so beautiful. He doted on us like we were his angels, and I never turned around to say thank you to him, for being the best grandpa ever. Everyday before I left the house, he would stop me to ask: “Gollu, paishe aahet?” (Gollu, do you have enough money?). After a while that question became such a nuisance, I would answer “YES!” even before he had asked. “Kai pahije te ghe aa?” (buy whatever you want, okay?). If he could, he would have drenched my brother and me with all the money in his possession, just so we would have that temporary laughter on our lips and glimmer in our eyes. That’s what he lived for.
Until the day he died, Ajoba was always appreciative of his grandchildren. When he couldn’t talk, 2 days before, he smiled and pointed. We knew we were his happiness, his life, his every breath, his heartbeat. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you sooner Ajoba, that you are the world to me. Without you, I wouldn’t be half the person I am today. Without your love, I would be nowhere. I love you, I miss you, and I always will.

Rest in peace. <3

The Ambience Of Glory...

Note: I never really knew I would write poetry. Somehow, it just happened one day when my fingers hit the computer keyboard and just wouldn't stop. 2 pages later, I realized I had written my first poem (though it was VERY long). The only time I really write poetry is when I feel an extreme emotion, whether it be sadness, anger, love or happiness... words always seem to be the ultimate form of expression.

This particular poem was written in light of the recent Spring Dance Festival. I could have never imagined the support and wonderful reaction I got to my first, individually choreographed, hip-hop dance piece. In the beginning, I felt like an outcast amongst the other choreographers because my idea was so different, but as time went on I began to love my dance and the way it had turned out on stage. However, the audience's response was the best part of all. That split-second between the end of the dance and the applause was nerve-wracking-- but as soon as I heard the crowd erupt, all the stress, work, time,energy, blood, sweat, and tears I had put into this dance had really payed off. I had never before felt this way about my work or dancing. To say the least, it was surreal.

The presence of well-wishers, friends and supporters that night was not even close to a minority. Everyone appreciated me, everyone was there for me, and it felt amazing. This year was a dream in terms of how much I learned about self-esteem and my own choreographing and dancing ability.

Finally, without the love of the Buckley Community, my fellow classmates (including choreographers and dancers), and my beautiful best friends, I would have never felt that same ambience of glory...


i bask in the ambience of glory
for this world is no less than beautiful.
i guess they were right when they spoke about the future
when one door closes, there opens another.
tonight i feel on top of the world
surrounded by bright lights
embraced by loving angels, my guardians, my day, my night.
positivity is paradise.
dancing is a passion.
from the depths of a chasm,
i encounter greatness within myself.
i spill my soul onto the stage
and find myself ready to turn a new page.
gratitude races through my veins
alongside the adrenaline.
they push through narrow lanes.
i thank god for days like this, i feel complete.
nothing else will ever be able to compete.

College Bucket List

I will be going to California State University at Northridge for the Fall 2011 semester. Though this school was not my first choice, I have learned to accept it and plan my future in accordance to my goals. I will be attending CSUN for two years and then transferring to UCLA. The reason I chose this path over community college is because I needed to move out!!! As much as I love my family and enjoy my life at home, I crave to be independent. I thought to myself, that just because I didn't get into my first choice doesn't mean I have to forfeit being an adult!! So, my decision to go to CSUN was tough and tested my commitment to education, but now, I am confident in my choice. All I know is that it will be difficult to accomplish my goals of transferring and then going to a good Law School, but starting now, I am more dedicated and serious about my future then ever, and no one can shoot that down. I'm on a mission ;)

These are the things that I will bring to CSUN for my first year in the dorms:

1.) Clothes
2.) My Laptop
3.) My phone
4.) My purse rack
5.) Warm sheets
6.) An open mind
7.) A good attitude
8.) Positivity
9.) Blinders-- (metaphor) to remain focused on my goal :D
10.) Willingness to have a great time!

Glee: Creative Post #2

I still remember the day that Glee premiered on the Fox network. Naturally, I was skeptical of it since it was the first musical show that would be introduced on this particular channel. It turned out to be one of the most influential, important and realistic shows I have ever seen. Though I have noticed that it gets a lot of criticism from today's "cool" youth, I have developed an attachment to the characters and show more than I expected I would. Truthfully, Glee embodies the everyday problems that today's high schoolers go through. The producers, director, and actors skillfully transform every issue into music and transcend verbal barriers in achieving a connection with their audience. There has been more than one episode that has moved me to tears. The simple fact is that, they GET IT. No other show is out there that acknowledges the troubles of every type of kid out there. They just get it! I cannot think of any other statement to prove my point. There is no way, without a doubt, that any teenager will not appreciate Glee if they have not seen it. It is a stress-reliever, a comedy, a relatable story, encourages individuality and finally, it promotes the use of music to overcome your problems. A healthy way of dealing with the various emotions that kids deal with on a daily basis. More than JUST a musical, Glee is an escape. I love it and I always will :)

Buckley's Pride and Prejudice vs. Austen's Pride and Prejudice: Creative Blog #1

The Spring Drama this year amazed me beyond expectations. Though it was quite different from Austen's novel, the actors and scenes really resonated the reality of early English society. The ability of each character to accept and perform their role thoroughly was refreshing. While the basic personalities of every actor was identical to that of Austen's original characters, the execution of the story differed. The direction was outstanding; the audience was able to get a fulfilling idea of the novel while sitting only for a duration of 3 hours. Overall, my favorite performance was Olivia's as Lady Catherine De Bourgh (and I'm not just saying that). Her attitude and comedic personality was perfect for the role and she stood out amongst others. While the whole of the play was cleverly dialogued and beyond hilarious (I heard the whole audience burst into laughter every few minutes) I most respected the timing. The moments that Austen designed to be serious effectively connected with each audience member on an emotional level and when it came time to break the ice, the show was on top of it. Not once was I bored, or I wondered how much longer the play would be. It was beautifully executed and skillfully represented Austen's original vision of early England.

Introduction on Conformity

Though the inception of conformity comes from societal values, familial pressure is what enforces it. The most integral impact of conformity on any human being takes place in the home. The essence of this environment affects their ability to establish individuality both socially and educationally. In the past and present, societal expectation has consistently seemed to be much more important to parents than the right of their children to be opinionated. Therein lies the problem of the compulsion to conform and the incapability to foster uniqueness. However, rejecting the entire system also harbors conventionalism. Recently, the desire to defy the pressure to become a "typical" member of society is in the majority. Therefore, at either end of the spectrum, there is no sense of individuality. Unfortunately, the truth of our society, in its steady evolution, is that it has become the "trend" to be unique. This idea is explored in Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis," as Gregor Samsa finds himself trapped as an insect, unable to escape the historic definition of conformity. Ultimately, there is no escaping conformity, as the interpretation is constantly changing.

Does Education Encourage Conformity?

Education is a very interesting and almost too complex of a topic to analyze when it comes to conformity. Some might say that education itself is conformist, while others believe that it is natural to fulfill one's curiosity about the world. In either case, I believe that education is an instinct. As human beings, we naturally tend to question our surroundings and seek answers. But then what is the role of teachers in our society? Well, as our curiosity begins at a young age, this is the time at which the mind is most impressionable. If teachers spend more time working to mold the creative ability of children and fostering their skills of analysis, education in the future becomes automatically individualistic. By the time students hit the area of junior high or high school, their role must be to take factual evidence and use the abilities shaped over the past several years to formulate their own opinions rather than conform. I define conformity as being told what to think and how to think. This is entirely up to the person who is being taught. If the student is confident enough in their individuality to buck the teacher's forced views (if there are any) then non-conformity can be achieved. This is not the teacher's responsibility. Those skill should already be in function when the student hits maturity. Thus, I cannot categorize education as conformist or non-conformist, but I can say that conformity ultimately lies in the hands of the individual. There are certain suggestions that can be taken into the traditions of education to improve the students' journey into independence and uniqueness throughout their life.

Introductory Paragraph

Joseph Conrad’s "Heart of Darkness" is one man’s journey to discovering his true identity. Conrad chronicles the unusual happenings of the human psyche in his novella, through a very conflicted protagonist: Marlow. The narrator begins a personal psychological voyage, subsequently, investigating the basis of human nature. Conrad initially introduces Marlow as a man who is confused about his moral code: not fully accepting the imperial approach on how to civilize a country considered “savage,” while also believing that barbaric behavior must not triumph. Conrad uses this dilemma to tell a symbolic story that builds on the theories of psychoanalysis. The “id,” coined by famous psychologist Sigmund Freud, is the foundation of Marlow’s story. This raw and unpolished version of oneself hides beneath restrained actions and emotions, hereby referred to as the “ego.” To find this very unpredictable side of his mental faculties, Marlow chooses to take on a powerful introspection into his “darkness,” represented literally by the Congo. Though he desperately clings onto his moral beliefs, the narrator temporarily leaves behind his “light” (reason), represented by imperial British society. On this very long journey, Marlow’s stream of thought, the river, takes him into an uncertain place in an effort to understand his impulsive and immoral “id:” Kurtz. Firstly scrutinized by the accurate psycho-critical observations of Frederick Karl, Marlow’s interactions with Kurtz are ultimately reflective of the narrator’s own repressed desires. And thus, Kurtz is an undetected part of Marlow’s mental being. Marlow’s trek to the Congo contains many psychological symbols, representative of his unearthed relationship to Kurtz- the most mysterious sector of his mind: his continuous dithering between fascination and repulsion and the comprehended integration of his “id” into British societal morality.

Heart of Darkness Worksheet Question

2.) How does the city affect Marlow at the end of the story? How does what he learned in the jungle translate or fail to translate back to the modern world? Does he have more perspective than the city people? Or has he become unhinged by the jungle? Is he better adapted for living or worse? What is his psychological condition in the jungle vs. in the city? After his experiences, where is he better suited to live?

The city’s almost “righteous” ways compared to those of the Congo appear quite boring to the narrator. He has changed throughout the course of the trip mentally, thus giving him a different perception of what he thought was societal norm. The lie he tells Kurtz’s fiancée is very revealing about what he has learned in his psychological journey. While near the beginning of the book he says that he despises lies, by the end of it, he has learned to control his conscience significantly. Because of his experiences in the heart of darkness, Marlow’s perspective on life has definitely shifted in general and in regards to his moral code. Though he retains most of his morality, he realizes that not everything must be done politically but rather purely. Thus, we understand that Marlow has a better-rounded and well-informed perspective than the people in the city. He has seen chaos and darkness, which has given him a reason to either praise the city or dislike it. By seeing the worst part of life, one can understand and appreciate the best part of life. But in the narrator’s case, his fascination with the life of the “uncivilized” gives him mixed emotions and he is able to absorb many of the qualities that he previously disliked but now benefits from. Though his journey to the “id” is difficult and traumatizing, Marlow learns the importance of being raw. By unintentionally studying Kurtz, Marlow becomes more apt to conversation and behavior in the modern world. He learns that impulse is just as important as a well thought out plan. In the jungle, Marlow bounces back and forth quite a bit because of his psychological unsureness while his experiences in the city are quite different and straight-edged. The constant conflict in the narrator’s head only occurs when he is in the Congo because the area offers him such a new perspective on life and individual actions. This carries over by the end of the book into the city, however by this time, Marlow has unknowingly comprehended, accepted and clarified his thoughts and personality. The jungle is ironically what allows him to achieve this clarity of mind. Marlow is most definitely better suited to live in the city. The journey to the heart of darkness was simply for his study of what his mind really craves. After understanding this side of himself, he is able to return to the city and drop his moral guard quite a bit. Though morals are a good guidance for actions, Marlow realizes that he has been binded by them and the jungle offers him the opportunity to release himself from that bondage while still allows him keep the strength to not become completely “barbaric.”

Essay Idea(s)

Something I found very interesting about "Heart of Darkness was the relationship between Marlow and Kurtz on a psychological level. My current idea is investigating the role of Kurtz in Marlow's life and how the reader interprets such a relation. Kurtz represents the "id" of Marlow, for example his raw desires and unrestrained emotions with the absence of the ego or superego. While both characters signify two parts of human psychology, Conrad connects them with the reader by emphasizing the idea that every human being is naturally fascinated by the "id" which they do not realize they are repressing. As Marlow begins to find similarities between himself and Kurtz, he becomes infatuate. As the reader, following the story through Marlow's eyes, starts to connect with Kurtz also.

Heart of Darkness: psychological significance of the journey

Marlow's psychological journey throughout "Heart of Darkness" overshadows the story as a whole. The primary journey that Marlow is undergoing represents the process of discovering the "id" or unrestrained desires. The reader understands Kurtz's character from the perspective of the narration which furthers our comprehension of the psychological journey. Marlow's idealization of Kurtz is consequential to his fascination of the absence of the superego and ego. Furthermore, another aspect of Marlow's psychological journey is his difference in perception of the Congo. While his counterparts have conformed opinions of what "the heart of darkness" entails, Marlow seems to have a antithetical view, thus fueling his idealization of Kurtz's character. With his sarcastic tone and jokes, acting as a defense mechanism, the narrator exposes a journey of self-discovery, infatuation, and unsure beliefs.

Heart of Darkness, pg. 430, #6

Q: In paragraph 58, Marlow describes a painting Kurtz made of "a woman, draped and blindfolded, carrying a lighted torch." What message was Kurtz sending with this painting? At this point in the story, do you think Marlow would agree or disagree with this message? Why?

The woman in the painting seems to symbolize the role that London is playing in the story. The light torch represents their desire to spread civilization into Africa while the blindfold is representative of their ignorance in the process of doing so. The gender depicted in the painting might relate to the role of women in London's society as being subordinate to men. Kurtz's message seems to be in order to criticize London's intentions in their colonization and also in their societal norms. At this point in the story, I think Marlow would agree with this message because of his initial attitude towards the situation between London and Africa. His words in the beginning of the story are illustrative of his belief in somewhat of an equivalence between the past condition of London and the present of Africa.

Heart of Darkness, pg. 492, #2

Q: Why do you think Marlow begins his tale of a journey to the heart of darkness with an account of London in "very old times, when the Romans first came here" (para. 11)? What is the connection between London in Roman times and the English colonization of Africa?

Marlow's choice to speak of London's past in comparison to Africa's present is mainly to create a common ground for the two areas of inhabitance. This connection allows for the reader to focus on the similarities between the two nations, instead of the projected differences in regards to civilization. Marlow exposes the reality of London's past in that it too had experienced an era of darkness when finally the Romans changed that by bringing "light" to the situation, therefore clarifying London's similarities to Africa. Consequentially, Marlow seems to emphasize that the Londoners should not feel an air of superiority in association to the Africans. Ultimately, he goes to show that one's perception of London is only a result of what the Romans made of out it, otherwise it would be identical to the circumstances of Africa. This account sets up for the English colonization of Africa by laying out the facts of the perception of individual identity and social relations.